Meeting the Parents

Mera dil bhi kitna pagal hai ye pyar to tumse karta hai

Par saamne jab tum aate ho kuch bhi kehne se darta hai…

(My silly hearts loves you, but is afraid to confess it in your presence)

What I’m about to say might not be in the same context as this song, but comes closest to it. Normally A’s the perfect husband; considerate, caring, helping. I’ve happily confessed many times on my blog that I feel blessed to be married to a gem like him. He’s more resilient than I ever can be and can tolerate my insanity and temper with surprising ease. He showers me with endless ‘I Love You’s , random pecks and hugs are aplenty, making me feel like a very desirable queen! :)

Having said that, there’s another side to this story in which the queen magically gets converted into a make-shift stranger. And it does not feel good! :(

Let me elaborate a bit on this. One thing that me and A end up arguing most when at my in-laws’ place is his indifference towards me. When we’re on our own I’m at liberty to voice my opinion and behave according to my wish and will. But in front of his parents I’m expected to blindly follow their rules, no matter how demeaning and chauvinistic they are. The usual excuse is, ‘Follow them for as long as you’re here. You’re free to do what you want at our place’. Is there really the need to have such double standards, especially when I detest it from the core?

Forget about the cute mushy habits, I know they are tough to follow (the concept of stolen moments is lost on him) when there’s people just about everywhere. But aren’t there simple things that can convey love too? Or is it a taboo to express your feelings when your parents are around? The MIL doesn’t mind claiming full right on her son for as long as we’re there while I’m left sulking and grimacing for not being able to get through to him. Tricky situation, and my loss all the way.

This setting is bearable when the number of days is limited to single digits. When it starts getting longer than that, it becomes a pain and I can’t wait to come back home and get my normal husband back. It is not at all exciting to have to endure all this. I’ve not been able to figure out where exactly the problem lies. Is it the mother who still can’t let go of her son? Or the son who thinks ignoring his wife would make his mother feel better? Or the stupid belief that we need to bow down to our elders’ wishes at all times?

Whatever the case, I don’t see myself being freed from this maze anytime soon.

Thanks my new friend :)

Four years ago: Marriage, dreams, aspirations.

Two years ago: Career, financial independence, freedom.

Currently: Career on a backseat, husband provided expenses, responsibilities.

The story of my existence can be summed up in these past four years. Why? Because the life that I had before getting married has almost faded into oblivion. What I did, what I liked or what I hated before this has no bearing on my actions or preferences now.  There are days when these things frustrate me, there are days when I want a break, but then there are also days when I feel grateful for them.

It is all about setting priorities and sticking to them. And when you have done that, be sure that you did the right thing. I decided to be a full-time Mom ‘se I didn’t want to leave A Jr with a babysitter or a day-care. I wanted to see him grow up with my own eyes, didn’t want to miss any of the cute things he does. I did just that. My career suffered, the loneliness at home was killing, and the demands of motherhood were daunting and exhausting. I got a bit tired of it.

But today, I met someone and things turned around. I met a lady whose son is A Jr’s playgroup-mate. The kid’s younger than A Jr and has just started school. Understandably, she was anxious about her son’s doing, the way I was during A Jr’s first week. It took all but one smile from me and she joined me in waiting for our respective kids. We got talking and hit it off almost instantly. Her story was similar to me. She left her job after her son was born and is a full-time Mom now. The situations and experiences she mentioned sounded very similar to mine.

She doesn’t even know this, but after talking to her I felt more confident and sure of myself. Not that I needed a proof of it, but seeing someone in the same shoes as mine made me feel like I had company. I was not alone out there. It felt heartening to finally have someone who's riding the same boat with you and wants to know if she's rowing it properly. I’m sure I’ll look forward to meeting her everyday and talk about everything under the sun with her.

Love Romance and Us

I’ve always felt that love and romance is an exaggerated and baffled concept. Exaggerated by people who seek to earn some revenue out of it, and baffled by people like us who fall into the trap. How significant it is in our lives and how imperative it is for a relationship is for an individual to understand and decide.

All of us have countless dreams from our teenage (which are highly fueled by some whirlwind romance from Mills & Boons, some highly melodramatic romantic movie where the hero woos his darling with this ardent love for her, and sometimes even by some love story of a friend or a classmate that we’ve had a firsthand account of) and expect that someday our knight in shining armour would come and take us to his paradise of undiluted and undying love.

If the reality is a stark contrast to this, we end up sulking and lamenting. There have been many instances when I’ve heard some or the other person, especially a girl, crib about how unromantic her other half is. He doesn’t bring her flowers, doesn’t take her for candle-light dinners, doesn’t sing romantic songs for her, and on and on. As if they are a proof that he doesn’t love her. Sigh! :(

I know all these things sound very mushy and indeed would make any girl go weak in her knees, but are these things really all that important? And if they are and he doesn’t do it, does she take the pain of letting him know that she’d like him to do all of them for her? I guess not! I’m not trying to advocate the opposite sex here, but making a relevant point. If the other one doesn’t know what you want, there’s nothing wrong in letting him know that. After all it’s you who’s going to reap the benefits of it, right? :D

We try to find love in cards, gifts and physical things, when it can be felt and conveyed best through the simplest things…eyes…a smile…small gestures like selecting each other’s clothes for a party…so on and so forth. If one tries to compare these things with some expensive piece of diamond jewellery, then it is wrong and unfair. One gets bored with these things very easily, but emotional bonding is what stays with you forever.

The best example for unfrilled love can be our parents. We’ve probably never seen them expressing their feelings for each other freely, but it is palpable. They can read each other’s minds and almost always predict flawlessly as to what the other one is up to. They have such a strong bond that they can silently convey their feelings to each other, by just a look or a gesture. This, I feel, is romance at its best, isn’t it?

What are we becoming?

A typical morning in any household probably consists of the delicious aroma of 'adrak ki chai' and everyone at home struggling to have the fresh and crisp newspaper first. Same is the case at our place, but I intend to do away the possibility of such a thing completely. I've started dreading reading the headlines these days...and why..

Last week it was this, and this week it is this! The string of disturbing news refuses to cease and I cannot help but silently pray for my son's well-being everyday. He's still small, but it won't be long before he'll be abreast with some or the other 'situation'. How will he take it? What will I be able to do to save him from such 'jungli' people who're let out in our society in the garb of learned men?

The elders in our family always told us, mornings are the best time of the day, when you're mood and mind is fresh and delightful. I need to differ from them now. I want to break my habit of heading for the newspaper every morning, 'se every other day it carries some or the other crime committed against women or children, which makes me shudder and go hug my son in his sleep.

What kind of people are we turning into? It is said that people who commit crimes are always instigated, provoked or are suffering from some kind of illness. When such crimes happen so frequently, and in any part of the world, does it mean that the level of 'sane' people is seriously dwindling? 

I know running away from the situation or shutting myself off from it completely is not going to serve any purpose. But I'm scared, very scared. What kind of world are our kids going to see when they grow up? We take so many pains to teach them proper mannerisms when some b******s out there can't even be called humans!

I'm sorry for such a digressing and accusing post. Guess it's the paranoid Mom inside me who's reacting very strongly.

I Love You Mom! :)

It is said that God couldn’t be present everywhere so he created a mother. Whoever said this couldn’t have been more correct, don’t we all agree? No matter what age we are in, the love and attention our mothers bestow upon us means the world to us. Now that I find myself in the role of a mother, I find that pampering all the more endearing and can relate with it from both sides :)

After I got married, my Mom, who until then was a complete house-wife, started associating herself with a whole lot of clubs and organizations to keep her busy and get away from the seemingly ‘empty’ home. Until then I was the one who reminded her with a bouquet of flowers and an ‘I Love You Mom’ card that it was Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day and she deserved some special treatment (not that I never got her anything on some other random day)! :)

Today I tasted my own medicine, and it was sweet :) It so happened that my Mom’s out with some of her friends attending some seminar and had a whole agenda worked out, so I chose not to disturb her and didn't get to speak with her properly in last two days. She, however, called me up in the morning today and completely out of the blue wished me ‘Happy Daughter’s day!’ I had a lump in my throat and wished if only I could hug her that time! Today had been just another insignificant day until then and I had no idea about this, she turned it around completely!  Sweet no!! :D

While we’re on mothers, here’s one more from A Junior. Amongst the many things that he’s obsessed with (and which I never understand), one is his own shadow! Many times I’ve seen him dancing around and adorably watching his shadow falling on the ground and walls and moving along-with in the evening sun. Its funny but cute seeing him run after it and trying to catch it :)

He once clicked his own shadow too, check this out!

 

I hope I get to meet my Mom real soon, 'se I badly need to feel her loving touch and warm hug. Meanwhile, those of you who are lucky enough to be near their Moms, please go tell them you love them and acknowledge what all they do for you. That's all that means and matters to them :)

How 'fair' is this?

 

I don’t want to write a full length post on this one, since we’ve already done that many times. Sadly, the situation as well as the people responsible for it refuse to change, so yet again we have to witness such ‘sorry’ mass mentality.

My sister-in-law gave us a cutie pie bundle of joy this week, my nephew. All of us were indeed mighty excited about this and decided to go meet the new mom and the kiddo over this weekend. Along with us many of her other relatives had also joined in to celebrate the occasion. Amongst them was a sweet but very naughty girl, around 7-8 years old.

The girl slept well beyond 10 o’clock and took milk only after her mother warned her with dire consequences (whatever they were). I was enjoying this whole exercise, even getting bit nostalgic remembering this scene at our home when I was that age. Suddenly, an elderly lady in the family came out and asked her to go take a shower.  As expected, she refused. The lady got very furious and said: 

नहाएगी नहीं तो काली हो जायेगी...फिर तुझसे शादी कौन करेगा...बैठी रहना घर पे!

I was zapped and didn't know how to react. Worse still, the girl's reaction to this was even more baffling. She seemed hurt, but nonetheless went ahead and took a shower. 

I didn't know what to say and to whom, so I just kept quiet. Good thing we're teaching our daughters. The only intention of our lives is to look 'fair' so we can get married easily, that's all.

Just wanted to get this out of my system.

Essence of a Woman :)

From the time human being came into existence woman has played the pivotal role in any relationship. It was only after Eve came to life that Adam got his first relations within the human species; that of a companion, a struggler and a better half. Since then whether it’s her life or the one’s depending on her, woman has been the one to make ‘relationships happen’.
 

Whatever role she’s found herself in, woman has never shied away from taking that extra step to ascertain that she meets, or sometimes, even surpasses expectations. Let me present few instances to illustrate my point.

1.A qualified and independent woman who’s never negotiated with anything in her life doesn’t think twice before giving up her flourishing career in favour of her child’s better look-after. This shows her sacrifice.

2.A highly pampered and loved daughter suddenly finds herself in an unknown territory when after marriage her mother-in-law constantly nags about how she can’t cook properly or keeps ridiculing her endlessly. Not the one taught to whine and complain, she bears everything quietly. This shows her resilience.
 
3.Her life partner didn’t turn out to be the one she’d expected and wanted. She regrets her choice and wishes if only she could go back and undo what she’d done. She’d like to break away but cannot bring herself to do it because she can’t put her kids through the ordeal that’ll follow. This shows her compromise.

4.Her kid sister wants to take up a career option that her parents would never accept. She’s convinced that it’s the best for her and wants elder sis to step in and persuade her parents. After making sure that younger sis knows what she’s doing, she decides to back her. This shows her understanding.

It would be incorrect if I try to portray that a woman has only positive traits, since we all know this cannot be true. Let’s see few negative ones too.

1.Two best friends; one blessed with the most enviable looks while the second couldn’t be more unattractive.  Though the latter would never speak openly about it, the adulation and attention the former enjoys makes her dislike her occasionally. This shows her jealousy.

2.A woman at a senior position at work makes the life of her juniors a living hell because she wants to nip any competition in the bud. This shows her insecurity.
 
3.Wedding plans are always 'in the making' in the minds of all mothers, whether she has a daughter or a son. But the moment her son gets married and shows a little more thoughtfulness for his wife, sparks are bound to fly. This shows her possessiveness.

A person’s nature and character play a vital role in shaping his life and relationships. The way a woman can perceive and nurture relationships, a man never can.  That is why a mother is called as an ‘avatar’ of God and a wife is called the better-half. In spite of her negative traits, only a woman can create a ‘complete’ family.

History has proved that whenever kingdoms have been formed or destroyed, there has always been a woman behind it. Power and manipulation are two crucial qualities that a woman possesses, whether she realises it or not. Power to change the world and manipulation to make the world a better place. It is only for her to know how these can be optimally and ethically used.

There’s a famous saying in Sanskrit :

“Triya charitram purushasya bhagyam daivo na janati kuto manushyah”

The translation simply being that when even God himself cannot understand the character of a woman, what a mere human can do, it is his destiny.

Being a woman myself I always found this very disrespectful and prejudiced. But when seen and understood beyond its obvious implication one will realize that it does hold true, for every woman in this world. Yes, no one can understand a woman, that’s because a woman believes in keeping her things to herself; sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of respect or sometimes simply because she’s too modest or proud to accept her success or failure.

So let us take this opportunity of "Women's Day" and celebrate being a woman. Let us forget all our vices and petty differences and come together and enjoy this day with a free spirit and realise what a woman means and stands for! :)

Child Abuse: A Disturbing Truth

When I was young the ‘SEX’ word was a taboo and anything pertaining it essentially needed to be spoken in whispers and hushed tones. That was the time when sex education was not a compulsory part of our curriculum and cases of sex abuse against children were not very frequently seen or heard of. The world has changed a lot after that, and unfortunately, for the worse.

Apart from coping with the increasing competition, the pressure of better performance and the burden of their parents’ expectations, one more thing that kids have to face nowadays is the sexually explicit overtures of their family members, friends, neighbours and teachers. There’s not a single day when the newspaper does not carry some story about such a crime being committed against some minor. There are two such accounts that I’d like to share.

1.K belonged to a typical upper middle-class family. Her family consisted of her parents, a kid sister, grandparents and one uncle. Everything was going fine until a far-off relative of hers, another uncle, who found a job in their city came to live with them. From the day he entered their home he was overtly nice to her, giving her presents and not losing a single chance to touch or feel her when no one was around. She was young then and too naïve to interpret his advances. He continued his lewd acts and she never objected as she had started liking him. However, as she grew older and came to understand that theirs was an incest relationship, she decided she should confide in her family about it and asked him to face the music with her. As expected, he begged himself out. He wanted her to continue giving him all the pleasures but he didn’t want the world to know about it! With help from close friends and maintaining deliberate distance from him, she finally came out of the ridiculous situation. Now she’s happily married to a wonderful man, and the pervert still keeps trying unsuccessfully to get lucky with her.

2.I remember I was some 10-12 years old when I’d first seen on television, the story of a 4-year old girl who was abused by her father, repeatedly. The girl’s mother had reported the matter to the police and got him arrested. She said that she’d found her daughter hiding under the bed afraid that her father had come home, while it was her. She took her close, hugged her tight and asked her what had happened. To her horror and sheer disbelief, the kid enacted what all her father had been doing with her on the pretence of giving her a bath or putting her to sleep. It was all very disturbing. The lady couldn't stop her tears while explaining what all her little baby had gone through. She'd been there all the time, but she'd noticed nothing, sensed nothing. She'd assumed that they were bonding, but it turned out to be a nightmarish experience, for both the ladies. I wonder how long it must’ve taken for them to come back to a normal life and put such a dark past behind them.

The whole day after that I couldn’t think straight. The little girl’s face refused to leave my mind. My stomach turned at even the thought of it. When the person who’s support to look after you, protect you, pamper you and love you turns out to be a sex-starved monster, what can one do?

The government is taking steps to create awareness in school-going kids by giving them sex education and knowledge about how to identify any untoward behaviour. As parents it is our job also to make ourselves approachable to our kids and making them confide in us. It is only when they feel we’ll understand and empathize with them that such crimes will be easily detected and the culprits will be caught hold of and punished.

It’s very heartening to see everyone speak up openly and uninhibitedly about the many rampant issues faced by women. These concerns have been around for some time and it’s about time we not only create awareness regarding them but also do whatever we can in our capacity to put a check on them.

Choosing your own relationships

I'm Nu from Randomness had tagged me for the entry to this blog post at Indusladies on occasion of Women's Day. I've chosen to write on Relationships.

I’d like to define relationships as those complex alliances wherein all the associated parties are related, with or without their consent and will. They’re supposed to bring about a positive change in our lives and help us grow and prosper. But what happens when one such relationship becomes the saddest truth of your life, a weight that you don’t want to carry?

Let me tell you a small story about a girl, say S. S belonged to a conservative joint family. Her family consisted of her Granny, many uncles and aunts and a whole lot of cousins. She however was the only child of her parents. Affluence was not something that her family had been able to enjoy. Her Grandpa had passed away when her father was young, and Granny had brought up all her kids all by herself. Her father was the youngest of all brothers.

She was the apple of her parents’ eye. While living in a joint family it was not possible for them to cater to all her wishes, but they did all they could for her. She was a vivacious, chirpy and pampered little girl with many dreams. When she stepped into teenage, as inadvertently happens with most of us, she fell in love. The boy had all she could ask for; good looks, good family and a good job. But there was a catch. The guy was from another caste and hence an alliance was complicated. She endlessly tried to convince her family, but it all went into vain. Even her parents refused to take her side. Sadly, she couldn’t bring herself to rebel against her own family. The end result: she was married to another guy much against her wish and packed away to a faraway city.

Let’s see how life changed for her post-marriage. This girl who used to lighten up the mood in any room with her mere presence had become unnaturally quiet and gloomy after marriage. Her resentment for her family was understandable, but unfortunately her husband too never tried to make her feel loved and cared for. She tried to accept her husband, his family, his life, but it was easier said than done. There was a void in her life that refused to get filled up. While she was battling with all these problems, she had no idea that there was a storm just waiting to hit her.

To cut a long story short, she met someone. Let’s call this someone R. R came into her life like a ray of light. He became the friend she needed, the companion she desired. He listened to her talk about her life, her likes and dislikes, her music, her poetry, everything that no one had ever tried to know. He made her laugh again, made her want to live again, made her love again. Yes! She fell in love with him. Without her knowledge, but slowly and very surely he became a part of her life. I know this is not ideally what a woman is expected to do, but she did. Wasn’t it obvious?

You’d ask me what happened next, right? What followed was not something anyone had anticipated. She came out in the open about her relationship with him since she didn’t want to cheat her husband behind his back. The relationship with R was sacred to her and she wanted it to command all the respect it deserved.

What I wanted to portray with this story was that everyone in this world should be given the right and freedom to make their own choices. We cannot choose our family, our relatives, but we can choose our friends and our life partners. These decisions should be taken with the approval of all people involved or we’d witness another story like that of S. In this case S had the courage to stand up for her love and her desired life, but what about those not-so-courageous ones who feel trapped but still are a part of such a bad marriage?

I agree my choice of topic is different from the usual ones, but I strongly feel that we need to come out of the closet and accept things for what they are. Living in ignorance and fear of truth can only result in us living unhappily.

I tag  Reflections,Titaxy and D.